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  Shocked by the news, Donnie asks, "How did she go?"

  Pausing to think of her answer, she simply says, "A heart attack…"

  "But she looked so young!"

  Nodding with an expression of gloom, she looks down at the ground. Kelly convinces herself that Donnie does not 186

  need to know the truth about her mother. He has only met her a few times and never held back in his sexual references towards her. Being the sexual males that he is, he was forever reminding Kelly how "hot" he thought her mother was. As creepy as the thought of Donnie and her mother was, she un-derstood that it came with the territory of having an attract-tive mom. She had dealt with things like this most of her life and somehow found herself getting used to it.

  Donnie notices the look on her face and says, "You need a night of being loose, we should throw a party."

  "I can't. I have to work tomorrow…"

  "I'm off tomorrow. I'll just fix the schedule and switch ya with Pete… he's been bitchin' about more hours anyway."

  "Well…"

  "Well, shit… we're doing this."

  Thinking about Emma for a moment, Kelly says,

  "Alright, but we're doin' it at my house…"

  Donnie nods, "You got it… let me work out this out with Pete."

  As Donnie walks into the back Kelly smiles and calls her sister. It rings and goes straight to voice mail because Emma turned it off so she could rest. Kelly leaves her a message,

  "Don't make any plans tonight, Em… we’re having a much needed party."

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  CHAPTER 23

  The hours burn faster towards the night as Emma paces around her house, waiting for the guests to arrive. As inward as she is, she has never hosted a party before. She has had friends over, but far from what her sister has been experience too. When Emma was in sixth grade, she and Ophelia traveled across the state in participation in a spelling bee.

  While they were gone, Kelly and her friends threw a huge house party with cases of beer and the equivalent to a full liquor bar. Kelly had everything cleaned up by the time they came home, but it was three neighbors who snitched her out.

  Ophelia grounded Kelly for a month—no friends, no phone, and no television. After witnessing what her sister went through for her one night of fun, Emma towed the line when it came to her partying at her house.

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  All day long, Emma's phone has been ringing non-stop with calls from Matt. After the first two calls, she switched her phone on vibrate. By the time the last couple of calls were received, Emma's confidence was built to point of an arrogant smirk. As irritated as she became at certain points, she finally found satisfaction in having control over a man. It had always been Emma's place to play the role of the desperately dejected, but now she is learning what it is like to be on the other side of the coin. Unlike the times when she was the one left on hold, now it is her turn to feel that same kind of power over someone else.

  Emma's pacing and constant questioning annoys Kelly to the point that she shakes her head while exhaling a sigh. She pokes her head around the corner of the bathroom and shouts over her blow dryer, "Hey calm the fuck down! It's only going to be Parker and Donnie… I'm not cleaning up after twenty assholes!"

  With a cringed face, Emma says, "Donnie… that fuckin'

  slob who always googled at mom when he came over?! Oh god, that's just gross!"

  Kelly shrugs off Emma's remarks and replies,

  "Whatever… that's just the way Donnie is! He's really a nice guy when you get to know him… better than the sick fucker you’ve been pallin’ around with lately."

  Emma grabs a bottle of beer from the refrigerator and rolls her eyes as she twists off the cap. Taking a sip she listens to her sister go on about Donnie over the loud buzz of her hair dryer. Where Emma stands, she thinks of Donnie as a simple slob who does not even try to fake his maturity. As a t-shirt and jeans guy, Donnie does not appear much to Emma in the first place—she only concerns herself with men that she would want to sleep with. Not that Emma cares, but this is one of the reasons why she has a hard time making and keeping friends, so quick to dismiss those who are not like her. She only befriends men who she is attracted to and 189

  hardly ever befriends other girls because she has always viewed them as needless competition.

  As Kelly cuts off her hair dryer, there is a loud knock on the door. Emma is in mid gulp from her beer as Kelly jolts from the bathroom towards the front door. Before Emma can turn around, Kelly opens the door where Parker and Donnie stand, each holding two bottles with a wide grin. Parker steps in and places his offerings on the kitchen counter, a bottle of cheap vodka and a bottle of Jagermister. Donnie walks in and his eyes hit Emma as she is in mid sip, his eyes scan her curves as she catches him looking. The second his eyes meets hers, he turns his head quickly to divert eye contact. Playing it cool, he raises up his bottles of Goldschlager and black rum.

  Setting the bottles down next to Parker's, Donnie pulls a quarter bag of marijuana from his pocket. Emma's eyes grow at the sight of Donnie's greens and she asks with a smirk,

  "What's that you have there, Donnie?"

  Smiling, he answers, "Well, this is sweetest bud I have had in the longest time. This stuff is primo, high grade hydroponics. One hit from this shit had me blazed. No fuckin’

  shit!"

  While Emma and Donnie chat about his bag of goodies, Kelly and Parker hug each other tight. Emma and Donnie try to ignore the two lovers as they come together and kiss one another passionately. Donnie walks over to Emma and opens the bag of marijuana in her face, where she takes a long whiff of the herbal scent. Taking in the heavy pine scent, her eyes roll into the back of her head as she is knocked off of her feet.

  Catching her breath, Emma says, "Goddamn! That smells fuckin’ amazing!"

  Donnie shoots Emma a grin, "Well, let's smoke some of this shit!"

  The party rolls on between the four; drinking copious amounts of alcohol and smoking just as much marijuana.

  They talk until they escalate beyond a buzz and then they turn 190

  to dancing too loud music of various styles. Somehow through the good times, Emma starts looking at Donnie differently. She no longer sees him as a slob, but as a down to earth guy with a great sense of humor. By the time the clock hits midnight, Kelly and Parker are starting to move closer to her bedroom as Donnie and Emma find themselves on the back porch.

  Sipping his rum and cola, Donnie passes a freshly rolled joint to Emma. Drunk, Emma carefully lights the tip as she involuntary sways back and forth. Donnie looks at her with grin and asks, "You a'ight?"

  Emma chuckles as she takes in her hit with closed eyes.

  Exhaling the smoke, she replies, "I'm pretty drunk, but yeah… I'm good."

  Passing the joint back to Donnie, he takes a puff and inquires, "So… are you still dating Matt?"

  Taking a gulp from her drink, Emma looks away and says, "I don't know… "

  "What d’ya mean, ya don't know? You either are or ya aren't…"

  "It's not that simple, Donnie."

  "Sure it is… do ya love him?"

  Rolling her eyes, Emma takes another sip from her cup and remarks, "It must be easy for you to generalize these kinds of things..."

  Blowing smoke, Donnie shakes his head, "Nah… but if I was with a piece of shit it probably would be."

  Playing ignorant, Emma asks, "Oh, and what makes Matt a piece of shit, as you eloquently put it?"

  "Come on… don't act like I don't know that he tried to set you on fire. What kind of person does somethin' like that?"

  At loss for words, Emma just stares blankly through her screened in porch and into the night sky. Knowing that she cannot muster a defense for Matt, she harps on what she was thinking in her head. She takes an awkward sip from her drink as she feels Donnie's eyes on her. He waits for her to 191

  retort, but Emma has nothing to say in response. There is no argument that she can pose because she knows Donn
ie is right—Matt is sick and she can do much better than him.

  Sitting in silence, she wonders why she stood for his twisted ways for as long as she did. Donnie takes another puff and tries to find a way to ease out of the subject.

  He passes her the joint and says, "I didn't mean to upset you or anythin', I just think you deserve better than someone like Matt."

  Accepting Donnie's token, Emma takes a deep drag and replies, "Yeah, well… a good man is hard to find."

  "Good people are hard to find period in this fucked up world… doesn't mean ya gotta settle for the waste at the bottom of the barrel, ya know?"

  As she exhales, Emma remarks, "Everything is just shit… apathetic, soul less people who could really give a shit about anyone else. It's such a goddamn drain to live in these times."

  "That's just an excuse to be miserable, Emma… nothin'

  more. You make the world what is for yourself. If you wallow in self pity, then you're no better than the people who add to the problem. No one ever wants to take blame from themselves… it's always somebody else."

  Saying nothing, Emma thinks about what Donnie is telling her. As much as she would like to argue, she knows that he is right. A light shines upon the darkness that she has been lingering in—bringing her to an awakening. Finally, Emma comes to terms that she is the problem and only she can fix it. In a stunning moment of clarity, Emma comes to grips with the reality that she has been cause of all of her woes. Every man that entered her life and every stumble along her path had been due to her lack of confidence. Emma feels refreshed as the weight she has carried around for so long is lifted.

  Reclining back in her seat with a grin, she simply tells Donnie, "You're right."

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  "I know I'm right… it's the weed."

  Emma chuckles as she shakes her head. Taking a sip from her drink, she leaves behind her thoughts of Matt and enjoys her present company. Looking over at Donnie, Emma takes in his relaxed nature in admiration. There is a glow that feels bubbling inside of her, a strange attraction towards Donnie. At one point she thought he was a know-nothing low life, but now she sees him in much brighter light. Slamming the rest of her drink, Emma runs with the courage to make her move.

  Peeling herself away from her chair, Emma walks over to Donnie and stands in front of him. Donnie looks up at her with confused eyes as he takes a hit from his joint. As the end touches his lips, Emma reaches out and takes it from him. She takes a drag and gives Donnie a seductive glare. Squirming in his chair; a sudden feeling of discomfort rides through Donnie's body. He gets the gist of where she is heading with her actions, but he is not sure if he should act on his baser instincts.

  Exhaling her smoke, she asks, "Do you think I'm hot, Donnie?"

  Taking a deep breath, Donnie answers, "Look, Emma, your sister is…"

  "Is getting nailed by Parker… what do you want to do?"

  "Emma, you're a beautiful girl, but your sister is a great a friend and I don't want to ruin that."

  Pushing Donnie back in his chair, Emma climbs on to his lap and straddles him. Taken by surprise, Donnie holds his arms out away from her. As much as he lusts to grab hold and give her what she wants, he holds back with every amount of strength that he can summon. Sensing his resistance, Emma grabs Donnie and forces his face in her cleavage. She presses her breasts around his head as she grinds her hips into his crotch. Collapsing into her desire, Donnie wraps his arms around her and pulls her in closer to him. Pulling Donnie's 193

  head back, Emma forces her lips into his and kisses him deeply.

  Donnie Kisses her back as his hands clutch on to her hips and work their way up her back. He wants to stop himself because she has been drinking all night and he does not want to be that drunken mistake. One of those regrettable moments that follows the brutality of the morning sun. The wonder-ment of what you were thinking resting on top of a headache and a drained feeling as you pine for the strength to brew a pot of coffee. This is not how Donnie wants to be remembered, but it has been a long time since he has been with a woman that he is willing to risk the likely blowback.

  As Emma's hands run down Donnie's chest to undo his belt, he is hit with the fear of ruining his friendship with Kelly. In sudden a movement, his hands grip her wrists as she attempts to work down his zipper. He pulls her hands away as turns his head away from her kisses. Emma leans back and asks, "What's wrong?!"

  Unable to look her in the eyes, Donnie turns away and says, "I can't do this…"

  "Why, why can't you?!"

  Donnie softly edges her off of his lap, "You're drunk, I'm stoned, and I don't want any kinda wired shit between us."

  Emma slides to her feet, takes his snuffed joint and storms off back into the house without saying a word. As Donnie wonders if he did the right thing, he startled by the back door slamming shut. Walking into the house, Emma grabs the half bottle of vanilla vodka from counter and goes into her bedroom. Frustrated, she closes the door behind her and starts slugging shots straight from the bottle. Far from rational thinking, Emma does not realize what Donnie was telling her. Instead of letting his words register, she is taking thwarts as blatant rejection. Sitting on her bed she slugs from the bottle and smokes her lifted joint while she fights the urge to scream in Donnie's face.

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  While Emma hides away in her room, Donnie sits on the back porch and thinks to himself with his erection. Part of him wants to go in and take her as she right now, while the other knows this is what is best for tonight. Not only does he not want to be treated like a fool the next day, but he is afraid that Kelly will kill him if he does anything with her sister.

  Donnie knows that Emma is in a vulnerable place right now and he does not want to be her rebound man. As tough as Donnie would like to show himself to be, on the inside he is an emotional person. He is looking for someone to be with, not loveless sex.

  The portrayal of men that is marketed towards women barely fits Donnie into its pigeon hole. His rough exterior has been created out of what he thinks women want, on the inside he is a caring person who wants more than sex. Bombarded by every form of media, he is under the belief that men must be strong and not wear their emotions on their sleeve. Certain books and movies tell men that they must look like sparkling, chiseled statues that carry the weight of women and their immature emotions. Not only are they painting men in a generalized spectrum, but they are also using that same polarizing view to set women back as well.

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  CHAPTER 24

  It's two in the morning and Matt has been pacing around his apartment since he last spoke to Emma. His emotions are poisoned with sensations of hate as he gets dressed and readies himself to go out. Wearing a black buttoned down shirt tucked into black dress pants, he tightens a black leather belt around his waist. Looking at himself in his fluid stained mirror, he slides an old Bowie knife nestled within its holster over his belt. Taking a step backwards, Matt fixes his hair as shoots a harsh gaze towards his reflection. As sharp as a freshly sharpened razor blade—Matt knows he looks good.

  "Tonight", he says, "I'm gonna steal someone’s heart."

  Stepping into his closet he pulls a jacket from a hanger and slides it on over his shoulders. He adjusts it as he walks out into the living room to get his car keys. Taking deep 196

  breaths, he centers himself to where he needs to be mentally and spiritually. Building his adrenaline, Matt leaves his apartment to head out on the town. Locking the door, he turns and faces the full moon that shines upon him. Standing still for a moment, Matt grins up at its radiant beauty and feels a calm come over his being. With this calm he feels a strength that builds within him—a strength that assures him that he can do anything.

  Making his way into town, he drives slowly through the downtown area—stalking. At this hour the streets are scarce, void of anyone not looking for trouble. The store fronts all close early; just after six, and anything left open afterwards are bars and restaurants. This is a family friendly area,
and they city councils believe that most families should be at home by 6 pm, being together. After the restaurants close, all that is left open are the convenient stores and bars that sit on the outskirts.

  Matt cruises the area looking for a date, a date that he can rent by the hour. Even though the pickings are slim downtown, he never stoops low enough for the girls on the other side of the town. Spotting a girl a mere block away, he speeds up slightly to judge her actions. Getting closer to her, he can tell by the way she is looking around that she is waiting for someone or anyone. Telling himself in soft whispers that she is the girl, he keeps her in his sights as his wheels creep up behind her. Caught by the head lights, she looks over her shoulder with a quick glance to see the approaching car.

  Taking in the sight of her pale, beauty, Matt slightly accelerates.

  Pulling up along side of her, she pretends that he is not slowing up to her. He sees that she is dressed like a call girl—

  shot tight skirt with a tube top and a lacy top. Looking at her closely beneath the street lights, he can see that she is wearing a dark red wig and a lot of makeup, the common hoof prints of a pro. Matt rolls down the window as she tries to keep her head straight. He shouts, "Hey, where ya headed?"

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  She keeps walking without answering him as if he is not there riding beside her. Matt shifts his eyes to the road and then back to her, "I know you can hear me, girl… what's up?!"

  Stopping with a heavy sigh, she looks to Matt and replies, "Look, I've had one hell of a night… if you're just gonna bust my chops, I."

  In the middle of her sentence, Matt flashes the girl a handful of hundreds—forcing her into a stutter. She is caught off guard and feeling uncomfortable, yet at the same time she cannot forget her desperation. Something inside of her tells her not to get in the car with him, but she knows that she needs the money. Looking around nervously she inches towards the car. A grin forms across Matt's face as he leans over and opens the door for her. The paranoid girl throws caution to the wind and rushes towards the car.